Vulnerable and Fragile

I've come to find that when I have to leave town for a death in the family, I always feel so vulnerable and fragile when I get back.  I think it has to do with knowing that everyone knows why you were gone and now they aren't sure what to say.  It's like there is something wrong with you and everyone sees it. 

This past week I went to Mississippi to be with my family to mourn the passing and celebrate the life of my Uncle Pete.  This is now the fifth death in that side of my family in the last 2.5 years.  It's been a rough few years. 

Usually when I return home after something like this, it hits me all over again.  I realize that while my family's worlds have stopped spinning for a few days, that the rest of the world has continued.  And for some reason that always seems to hurt.  I guess it's just a reminder of what you have done and where you've been the last few days.

It also leaves people asking you the question "How was it?  How was the funeral?"  And honestly I'm just not sure how to answer.  It was a funeral.  It's definitely not what I would have chosen to do with my time.  I did not enjoy it.  And to be quite honest it sucked.  It's a heart wrenching experience and I dreaded it the entire drive there and until it was over.  That's how it was.  But I'm not going to tell people that.  I know people are being polite in their asking, it's just hard waters to navigate on both sides, asking or answering.

My uncle who passed away lost his wife two years ago and I preached her entire funeral.  For my uncle's service they only asked me to give a testimony of his life.  They knew as well as I did that I could not handle the entire service for this.  And boy were we right.  I barely made it through what I had to say.  There's no way I could have handled an entire service.

As I was making my journey back to Louisiana after everything was done, I saw on my cousin's facebook where she posted "it doesn't matter how old you are, when you lose both parents you are still an orphan."  I only know how hard it is to lose an aunt or uncle of grandparent or cousin.  I can't imagine the grief that comes with the loss of a parent, much less both parents. 

Being back home and in my office today, I feel vulnerable and fragile.  I can't begin to imagine how others in my family feel as they grieve the loss of a parent and brother.

Until then......