What Tuna Should I Buy??????

I've heard from many different people and many sources that most missionaries (and I think people who have lived in other countries) have a harder time re-adjusting to home than they did to the mission field. I heard this before I came home for a while last Christmas and am hearing it again. Last year I didn't find things too awkward or difficult. Yes the town I live in has changed greatly in the past two years, but that's no big deal. So last year I seemed to be fine once I remembered which side of the road to drive on.

This year however is a different story. This year I am trying to actually settle back into life in this country and not just visit with people. Last year was a holiday break and this year is life. I must say it is harder than I ever expected. It's not a constant issue, but there are moments that just make me want to return to South Africa. I've realized that I like things to be normal and what is now normal to me is South Africa.

Sunday afternoon I went to the grocery store for my mom. My oldest brother is home for Christmas for two weeks and arrived this weekend. So instead of just mom and the dogs at the house, there is now mom, the dogs, myself, and brother. So mom gave me money, a short list, and told me to use the rest of the money for whatever kind of groceries I wanted to get. So I get to Super One and head in. From the start things were not normal to me. I felt lost, confused, and wanted to cry. This was so weird since all through high school I went to Super One nearly every day. I learned that the deli in the store had the cheapest Dr. Pepper fountain drinks in town and I knew many people working there. So this use to be one of my hang out places and now I felt so out of place. The buggy was much bigger than I'm use to, labels are different, products are different, and prices were all in U.S. dollars. And I have no idea what my family eats anymore. I wandered around the grocery store trying not to cry.

Chi Alpha also feels very much like this at the moment. I have a very ambiguous job description and now I have to figure out how to accomplish it. Don't get me wrong I am happy with it, I just have to figure it out. I've been out of this ministry for about two and a half years and it is like a completely different ministry now. So I am looking at it as coming to a new ministry. That's cool. But still there are people who know me here and people who have heard of me and I'm scared I can't fulfill their expectations. And not that anyone is putting pressure or expectations on me. It's all coming from me. It just makes me miss my desk in South Africa and the way I knew what I was doing. I knew my job and role and my students. Now I feel like I know nothing.

I must say I am grateful for Bath & Body Works though. As I mentioned in my last post I use to work there and have picked up shifts again now that I am home. The day I started back they just told me to do my job. There was no instruction or training, just the statement to do what I do. And I must say I feel a bit of peace in the storm when I am there. Things haven't really changed. A lot of the staff is different but the job is the same. And not to be boastful but I am good at my job. So it's so comforting to be able to step back into something that is familiar and that I am good at. I've always enjoyed my job there, but I may enjoy it even more at this time.

So that's me at the moment. I know most of my thoughts and emotions will fade soon. And I know the fears and doubts are all useless and mean nothing, but still they are lingering there and so I just have to push past them. And it's even harder for me because I dislike emotions and thoughts and so on. I'm usually a very confident and strong person who just gets on with life. So in these wobbly times I don't do so well. But this too shall pass and I will be strong and confident again soon.

Until then......