Still adjusting

I wish that there was some sort of presto-change-o thing that could make things the way you want them immediately. I wish I was adjusted to life in America again. Not so much the culture and food, but the relationships and jobs and cars and all those kinda things. The actual big things that matter in life. I wish I didn't feel alone in my own country. I wish relationships and friendships hadn't drastically changed over the past two years.

It's crazy that the two years I was in South Africa I cried because I missed America and the people and so on here. Now I get to be back in America and it hurts because I miss Africa. I mean I do still have friends here, but what was once really deep relationships either don't exist or seem so surface level now. I crave deep relationships. And I have picked back up with a few, but even those have changed due to friends having children and getting married and so on. It's like I stepped out for a bit but everything kept going without me. And now I'm back and trying to figure out how it all works again. I don't enjoy this at all. Not in the least.

I hate the feeling of missing people and things all the time. I hate the tug-o-war of living on different continents. I hate the way it changes people, relationships, and me. I hate the tears and the feeling of being alone. I think that's the worst is that for two years now I often just feel alone.

But this too shall pass. It always does and it always will. And when it does maybe I'll get to posting about better things. More important things.

Until then ......