It's been five months

It's been five months since I moved back to America and my watch is still set to South Africa time.  I can't bring myself to change it.  I know how silly that sounds, but there is something about that small act that makes my heart ache.  There's a lot of small things that make my heart ache when it comes to bi-continetal living.

Last week I got to do something that I hadn't been able to do yet, I spent the day with my nephew on his actual birthday.  He turned five on Thanksgiving.  Things like that make my heart full.  Living on the same continent and in the same time zone makes some things so much easier.  And for those things I am so incredibly grateful.  But five months in and there are still so many things that make tears sting my eyes when I think of the country that I called home for the last two and a half years.  Mixed in amongst the joy of life near loved ones and things that I missed for so long is a smattering of grief and tears for the things and people that are now so far away.

I get asked on a regular basis if I still miss South Africa.  It's so hard to explain.  This has been such an interesting and tough season to walk through.  This move is exactly what I wanted and what I think was the right move.  I feel like God has been with me every step of the way and I would choose it all over again if the choice were in front of me.  That however does not mean that it has been easy.  Reverse culture shock and the grieving process for what had become life is just tricky.  I feel like I'm still adjusting to the pace and schedule and what life is currently.  I'm still figuring out what groceries I prefer to buy and where my go-to places are to shop.  Weird that I lived in this exact city for nearly six years and yet I'm not sure what and where to shop anymore.  Strange how much this place and I have changed over the last few years.

One of the hardest parts of this season is attempting to explain to someone what it's like.  Attempting to put into words the chaos that I feel on a daily basis.  Trying to shed some light on the back and forth of emotions.  It's all a bit tiring when you're not completely sure where you belong and where home really is anymore.  It's an odd feeling to have home in multiple places and yet not feel completely at home anywhere.  I've done this multiple times now and still so hard to put into words.

So it's been five months.  And my watch is still set to South Africa time.  I'm sure one day I'll change it, but not yet.  For now it makes my heart ache just a tad too much, makes my eyes sting a little.