Since my last post I've continued in my reading of the Old Testament and continue to see the pattern of kings who refuse to fully bow before God. Story after story of kings who chose to not trust the Lord but instead led their people further in to sin. Those stories make me sad but they aren't the stories that baffle me.
The stories that baffle me are more like Solomon. We hear so much about Solomon and his wisdom and how great he was. But did you know that Solomon did not finish strong in his relationship with God. Even with all of his wisdom, he was still led astray by his flesh and desire for women. He wound up marrying all kinds of women that the Lord warned him not to and in turn he wound up serving their gods and leaving the Lord. This completely baffles me. How did Solomon get so far off track? He was the son of David. He had a front row seat to the incredible things that God did in his father's life. Then he took over the throne and we get to see Solomon's own relationship with God and the incredible wisdom he received. So how did he get so far off track??
I recently heard someone say in a sermon that only twenty-five percent of leaders in the Bible really finished strong in their pursuit of God. Recently I've heard story after story of people that I know falling off in their relationship with God as well. Missionaries who finished their term on the field and then decided to walk off from God. Believers who have decided that the things that God asks of us is too much and thus they follow their flesh down a destructive path. And this is not a new thing. Think of all the headlines full of scandals of pastors that have fallen away or been caught in total moral failures.
All of this makes me wonder what happened. I know we can't pinpoint and come up with some sort of solution or equation to prevent it from happening. But it makes me wonder so much. It makes me wonder because I'm scared that I could wind up in the same places. Sure we all look at someone else's situation and claim "I would never do that." But how many of those that have fallen have made the same declaration only to find themselves in such a different place down the road. We are all capable of the very same things. And this scares me. It scares me that I could wind up in a similar situation that finds me far from God and grieving His heart with the decisions I've made.
In this transition to South Africa and my new role I have battled so many thoughts and feelings. One of the biggest areas that I have fought is the need to be productive and busy. I am hardwired to multitask and be busy and productive twenty-four/seven. It's in my nature. And I've spent the last six years working on a campus that allowed me to utilize and lean on that hardwiredness. But now I find myself on the other side of the world and pioneering an organization. If you've ever pioneered you know that things can be slow. (slow and steady wins the race) But this new pace does not coincide with the way that I am wired and it leaves me with all sorts of feelings to deal with and sort out. Many of which land me thinking that I'm not doing enough and that I am failing at what I'm doing. Feelings that leave me thinking that I'm disappointing God because I'm not doing enough. Feelings that if I'm not careful will turn this whole thing (relationship) into a works based seeking approval and not a passionate relationship and pursuit of who He is.
See here's what I am realizing and how this all ties together: sometimes we get so caught up in doing things for God that we forget to know God. We start to keep tally of what we've done and the tally marks creep over and replace time spent with Him. We forget that what we do for God should flow out of our depth of knowing God. Our desire to serve Him should come from our knowledge of Him. When we let things shift the other way around then we find ourselves in drastic situations that we always said we would never be in. When our deeds have replaced our pursuit then we start heading down paths that we never should have been on.
I'm realizing more and more in this season that my fear should not be that I'm not doing enough for God, my fear should be that I'm not pursuing Him enough. My fear should be that I'm allowing myself to drift away from knowing Him. If we are sticking close to Him and truly pursuing relationship, then the tasks will follow suit. But the moment we place the tasks and serving above knowing Him we put ourselves in a situation to finish poorly and leave those around us baffled at how we wound up where we did. I don't want to finish out this race strong with God because I'm afraid of not finishing the task. I want to finish out this relationship with God because I never want to grieve His heart because I slowly wandered away from Him.
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