In preparations for a sermon, I’ve been thinking lately about God speaking to me. There are certain instances in my life, where I clearly remember God telling me something. As I’ve been thinking about them a lot lately, a funny thing happened. God spoke some more.
Usually when God speaks it’s amazing. It’s full of wisdom and insight and just God. This week however was full of correction and rebuke.
This past week or so I have been highly stressed and slightly freaking out. I just want to runaway or hide or both. Sunday night I was sitting in my kitchen around 1:00am reading some stuff in preparation for Monday. As I was reading I was thinking about how stressed I’ve been and how last semester I never felt like this. Then God spoke. He told me the reason I felt like this now, but had not last semester is because I was spending more time with Him last semester. This semester however I have slacked on the God time and thus things have not been balanced or ok.
Today I was at work and sitting on a counter in the lobby of our café. My boss came over and said something about me sitting on the counter. It wasn't directly for me to get off the counter, but it was implied. As I went about my business the next few moments I felt slightly bothered that I had done something wrong. As I was thinking about this God spoke again. He told me that I took my bosses “disappointment” in me heavier than I took His words the night before. I gave more thought to my boss not wanting me to sit on the counter than I did to God’s rebuke of not spending enough time with Him.
Today has culminated in my driving around, frustrated and crying, and talking to God. I’ve realized that I’ve let everything else try to fix what only He could. And the things that need fixing are only a result of neglecting Him in the first place. Crazy how that all works together. Crazy that I let myself get to this point. Crazy that I have neglected and denied the Father the chance to be everything in my life that He wants to be.
As I stopped driving around and sat in my car in some random parking lot across town, I was reflecting on this all and a conversation that I had with a housemate around 1:00 this morning. We were talking about how often people tell God that they’ll do anything He says. Then the moment He speaks, they start back tracking because they never realized the heaviness of the words they were speaking to God. As I sat in the parking lot thinking about this, God spoke again. He told me it’s not that I say I’ll do anything and then try to back out. Rather for me I say I’ll do anything as long as I know God is saying it, but then I never stop to listen to what He’s saying. I simply don’t give him the audience that He deserves or needs in my life.
He’s spoken a lot the past 24 hours. Too bad it takes stress, frustration, exhaustion, and rebuke for me to listen.
Until then......
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