Free to be me

I was suppose to head back to Louisiana today, but I decided to postpone my departure until tomorrow. I've thoroughly enjoyed this week and just couldn't make myself leave today. In all honesty I know that this may have been a dumb idea to make this trip during my last two weeks of support raising and such, but I'm hoping I find grace to cover my dumbness.

This week has been absolutely phenomenal though. I know I've posted before about how it's been a rough transition back into the states. And I've overcome most all of it by now. But this past week I've almost felt more me than I have in a long time. I felt free to just be Miranda. To be sarcastic and funny. To share my heart and some of my own insecurities. I was able to be open and deep with people. To share my passion and vision for the future and what I think are my next steps. I've just felt pretty free to be me and it's been so refreshing and amazing. I've felt pretty comfortable with who I am and I have felt used by God. I really just can't quite put into words how I have felt for the past week. Other than the occasional panic attack of needing to finish raising my budget and moving next week, this week has just been simply blissful.

Indiana was a great way to kick off the week. It was awesome to see old friends and start to establish relationships with new friends. And even if those new relationships don't go any deeper, it's awesome to know that for a few days I was open and deep and submersing myself in those relationships. I don't do that often enough. So Indiana was great.

Honestly during the drive over to Virginia I questioned why I was making this trip. Pretty much the only reason I had to be in Virginia was just to get to hang out with Ron (the Chi Alpha guy who has pioneered a few Chi Alphas and oversees Chi Alpha in South Africa). Ron and I have developed a pretty cool working relationship but mainly a really cool friendship over the past few years. Every time I'm around him I just see Jesus in him and the authenticity of his walk. It's compelling and challenging in the best way imaginable. So just to get to hang out and catch up and do some dreaming about Chi Alpha in South Africa was worth the trip, but I got so much more out of this part of the journey.

I came a little apprehensive of spending four or five days with people I really don't know at all. But what I found was a home and a feeling like I belong in this family. It has simply been a blessing to get to know Ron's wife Karen, their two sons (Issac and Jacob), and a girl from Arkansas that lives with them (Hali). Their household in general is just an awesome place to get to be. I never felt out of place or like I didn't know them. From the first night I felt like I belonged. And by the end of the week we were staying up until 3:00am talking bout life and Jesus and Hali and I have our picture together on the mantle in a frame that says 'Family.' We've talked about God, about where He is taking us, we discussed dreams, and how we became who we are. I feel like I was let into this family and like I made some strong relationships that will indeed span years to come. I laughed like I haven't laughed in a really long time and I felt God this week like I haven't in a while. I got the chance to speak at Youth Camp and at youth service at church last night. It was my first time to preach since being back in the States and I felt like God once again gave me grace and used me. And last night I felt so overwhelmed (in a good way) with it all that I had to run. God and I went for a run and it was just great. We talked and I praised and I came away with a deeper appreciation for who God is and who He wants me to be. I came away ok with not having all the answers and with a deep feeling that I got an answer.

I'm not looking forward to leaving tomorrow, but yet I am looking forward to the drive time and time with God and time to think about all that I have learned this week. I'm a bundle of mixed thoughts and emotions at the moment, but all the while relishing in contentment. It's such a cool place to find myself.

I'm about to reload my iPod and charge it for the long journey home tomorrow. I feel the need to add a Mercy Me song to the list and I feel it will be played a lot tomorrow. I think it captures my feeling at the moment and it says this:
I'm finding myself at a lose for words
and the funny thing it's ok
The last thing I need is to be heard
but to hear what You would say

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

Until then ......