My soul longs for more......

As I sat in my bed this morning and spent time with the Lord, a song began to play and immediately I was taken back to a time in my life and a moment in my relationship with the Lord.  Do you ever do that?  Do you ever hear a song and are immediately transported to a moment?  There's so many songs that when I hear them, if I close my eyes it's like I'm in a different place and time.  Usually rather significant places and times.

This morning I closed my eyes and listened to Rita Springer sing "You Are Still Holy" and all of a sudden it was like I was sitting on the floor of my room in my first apartment in South Africa in 2007.  It was warm outside, my windows were open, the curtains were moving a bit in the breeze, and as Rita sang I soaked in the presence of God.  In a nearly tangible presence of the Lord.

As I sat and let the memory continue playing in my mind this morning, I then began to think of other moments in my life that I felt like the Lord was almost tangibly present with me.  As I sat and tears began to form, I let memory after memory play through my mind of the those kinds of times.

The times I walked from my apartment to the church office in Pietermaritzburg.  The same stretch of sidewalk I took nearly every single day for two years.  I can picture it so clearly with the jacaranda trees overhead and the uneven cracked sidewalk underneath.  And all the times when I walked that sidewalk feeling alone in my world, only for the Lord to nearly physically walk beside me to let me know that no matter where I was, He was there.

The memories played of me sitting awake in the middle of the night in Durbanville just days after I moved back to South Africa.  Awake from jet lag and having tear filled hard conversations with the Lord about my life.  And yet again He showed up.  With a presence I felt like I could almost touch.

I can't remember exactly which way around the world I was flying, where I was going or where I had been, but I can picture a window seat on a dark quiet plane.  Just me and more tears and a journal.  And the Lord.  The sweet sweet presence of the Lord.

As I let the memories play through my mind this morning I was moved to tears at the graciousness of the Lord in my life.  The way He has always met me when I needed it.  The times that He came even closer when I needed even more.  The way He's always been present and forever will be.  My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude for the way He walks with me.  And my soul longs for more of it all.

It's been five months

It's been five months since I moved back to America and my watch is still set to South Africa time.  I can't bring myself to change it.  I know how silly that sounds, but there is something about that small act that makes my heart ache.  There's a lot of small things that make my heart ache when it comes to bi-continetal living.

Last week I got to do something that I hadn't been able to do yet, I spent the day with my nephew on his actual birthday.  He turned five on Thanksgiving.  Things like that make my heart full.  Living on the same continent and in the same time zone makes some things so much easier.  And for those things I am so incredibly grateful.  But five months in and there are still so many things that make tears sting my eyes when I think of the country that I called home for the last two and a half years.  Mixed in amongst the joy of life near loved ones and things that I missed for so long is a smattering of grief and tears for the things and people that are now so far away.

I get asked on a regular basis if I still miss South Africa.  It's so hard to explain.  This has been such an interesting and tough season to walk through.  This move is exactly what I wanted and what I think was the right move.  I feel like God has been with me every step of the way and I would choose it all over again if the choice were in front of me.  That however does not mean that it has been easy.  Reverse culture shock and the grieving process for what had become life is just tricky.  I feel like I'm still adjusting to the pace and schedule and what life is currently.  I'm still figuring out what groceries I prefer to buy and where my go-to places are to shop.  Weird that I lived in this exact city for nearly six years and yet I'm not sure what and where to shop anymore.  Strange how much this place and I have changed over the last few years.

One of the hardest parts of this season is attempting to explain to someone what it's like.  Attempting to put into words the chaos that I feel on a daily basis.  Trying to shed some light on the back and forth of emotions.  It's all a bit tiring when you're not completely sure where you belong and where home really is anymore.  It's an odd feeling to have home in multiple places and yet not feel completely at home anywhere.  I've done this multiple times now and still so hard to put into words.

So it's been five months.  And my watch is still set to South Africa time.  I'm sure one day I'll change it, but not yet.  For now it makes my heart ache just a tad too much, makes my eyes sting a little.